Coercive control

Updates made to this guidance

This guidance has been reworked so it is shorter and more focused on our practice considerations.

Supporting practice

Our practice is supported by our practice framework (encompassing our models and practice standards), our care standards, and tools and resources.

Understanding coercive control

Coercive control is a deliberate, strategic pattern of behaviour that aims to limit another person's autonomy, self-determination and liberty. Coercive control is not an isolated incident.

Coercive control:

• affects the freedom, independence and oranga of the victim-survivors
• is often subtle and hidden
• is common in violent intimate relationships but also occurs between parents and tamariki or rangatahi
• can be used by people of any gender
• may be normalised or embedded in cultural or religious practices.

Coercive control can include:

• violence or threats of violence to the primary victim-survivor, themselves (including threats of suicide), or others including whānau or family members, tamariki or rangatahi and pets
• isolating individuals or the whole whānau or family from others
• threatening the victim-survivor’s social standing, such as:
  • disclosing a same-sex relationship to whānau or family, school or work
  • threatening their visa status if they are not a citizen or permanent resident
• using community pressure in conservative or isolated areas (particularly in communities where coercive control may be normalised or embedded in cultural or religious practices)
• financial abuse, like withholding money for essentials such as food and utilities
• sexual abuse or withholding sexual activity
• using technology to monitor and control the victim-survivor
• emotional and psychological tactics such as:
  • love bombing, where the person causing the harm uses over-the-top acts of affection to win forgiveness after harm – it makes the victim-survivor believe things will get better, even when they will not
  • gaslighting – making the victim-survivor doubt their own experiences and feel responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Impact of coercive control

Coercive control affects the victim-survivor directly and the oranga of tamariki, rangatahi, whānau or family, hapū, iwi and the wider family group.

Victim-survivors are made to doubt themselves, feel powerless and believe they are to blame for the problems in their life. Self-esteem and sense of self is impacted.

This can damage their confidence and ability to parent and make them more dependent on the person causing the harm.

Coercive control tactics

People using coercive control often:

• keep professionals out and expect victim-survivors to do the same
• adapt their behaviour, changing tactics based on the victim-survivor’s response
• threaten social standing, especially in conservative, rural or isolated communities.

Safety and risk management

There are risks when Oranga Tamariki becomes involved:

• Continuing victimisation can occur if we hold the victim-survivor responsible for keeping the whānau or family and tamariki and rangatahi safe.
• Victims need support to manage risk when living with an unpredictable, unsafe person.

Building safety

Building safety requires all members of a whānau or family to be responsible for the change.

Practice principles

• Safety and protection are components of oranga that can't be realised when whānau or family, tamariki and rangatahi are not safe and secure in their living situation.
• Safety only works when everyone, including the person causing the harm, agrees on what changes are needed.
• The goal is to stop the violence and control – not necessarily to separate parents, especially if the victim does not want that.
• Anger management alone may not address the deeper issues.
• Both the victim and the person causing harm need access to restorative services.

Support available | Are You OK

Considerations

• Leaving is not simple for someone being coercively controlled. This is a time of high risk of physical harm or death.
• Disclosure may feel too risky for the victim-survivor, who may fear what will happen if they do. This is a safety strategy.
• The victim-survivor may fear retaliation or losing their tamariki or rangatahi.

Seek support from specialists within the family violence field to make recommendations.

Protect and support the development of tamariki and rangatahi within healthy whānau and families

Building trust with victim-survivors

To build trust with victim-survivors, we need to:

• be clear that help is available when they are ready
• be consistent and patient, and build trust over time
• follow up regularly – do not give up
• be transparent about our role – clearly explain how we will collaborate with them, offer advocacy and support
• avoid blame and focus on shared hopes for the oranga of tamariki and rangatahi.

Support the victim-survivor to understand the patterns of harm. Look for patterns in the wider social environment, such as financial control limiting parenting ability.

Support for the person causing the harm

Hold the person causing harm through coercive control accountable in a respectful, mana-enhancing way.

Support for the person causing harm could include assisting them to:

• reflect on their role as a parent and what they want their tamariki or rangatahi to remember about them
• heal from past trauma
• reconnect with cultural values
• access cultural and emotional support
• find role models
• connect with group therapy – research shows it is more effective that one-on-one counselling when dealing with coercive control.

Working safely and effectively with coercive control

Practice principles

• Build partnerships with whānau and family when coercive control is present.
• We adjust our approach based on whether we're working with a victim-survivor or a person causing harm.
• Crisis moments can be opportunities to connect with both parties.
• Cultural responsiveness is essential:
  • Hold people accountable in a respectful, mana-enhancing way.
  • Support them to reconnect with cultural values and traditions.
• Consider how coercive control limits the victim-survivor's ability to be self-determining and to parent safely.

Reflexive supervision

Supervision helps us understand how working with whānau or family affected by coercive control impacts us personally and professionally.

Working with violent and controlling people can feel intimidating, frightening and scary, especially if they turn their violence or threats towards us.

Equally, we can find ourselves second-guessing our assessment if we are working with someone who is charismatic and used to getting their way.

Supervision gives us space to:

• reflect on our reactions
• check our biases and avoid unintentionally blaming the victim-survivor or their tamariki and rangatahi
• take a restorative, uplifting approach
• consider whether we need cultural or even gendered support in this to hold the controlling person to account and model positive traits that are not harmful to others and themselves.

Working in pairs

If coercive control is present, consider working with a colleague or partner agency. It is difficult for one kaimahi to hold relationships with both the victim-survivor and the person using violence. Two kaimahi working together can:

• keep the focus on the safety and wellbeing of tamariki and rangatahi
• better manage complex dynamics
• offer consistent support as things change
• bring different perspectives to supervision and decision-making
• build trust with the victim-survivor while holding the person causing harm accountable.

Whānau hui and decision-making

When planning a whānau hui or family group conference, think about:

• whether others feel safe enough to speak up or whether the person causing the harm should be asked to present their views in a different way
• how the person causing harm may have multiple victim-survivors in a whānau or family group because of their behaviour – everyone must feel safe to speak
• how coercive control affects everyone, including the wider community
• past harm and patterns of abuse
• whether the person causing harm is ready to understand their impact.

Seek cultural advice to help set the right kawa (foundations) for safe and informed whānau or family decision-making.

Kairaranga ā-whānau